Author Archives: Donna Mills

About Donna Mills

Donna earned her certification as a hand analyst from the International Institute of Hand Analysts in January, 2013. She is also a Certified FranklinCovey Coach and a Certified ARTbundance Coach.

Discovery

Discovery

Isn’t it a treat to watch a child begin to explore the world?

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When I take a walk with my grandchildren, I see my surroundings in a totally different way. Seeing my world through their eyes is a whole new adventure—hearing a birdcall and discussing whether it’s a dove or a crow. Perceiving a dandelion as a precious flower, carefully plucked by chubby little fingers, rather than viewing it as a noxious weed. Watching two women with a baby in a stroller walking on the other side of the street, and making up stories about their lives. How big is their family? Do they have to go to a job every day? Or is that grown-up a parent staying home, taking time, like we are, to walk in the middle of the day?

I probably listen more closely to these children than to anyone else. They are excited about what they are sharing with me, unabashedly seeking confirmation and validation. Their thoughts and feelings haven’t been censored to the extent that they will be when they experience more of the challenging bits of life. So they are honest and fresh. And being with them is a tremendous source of fulfillment for me. Not surprising, since Connection is my Life Purpose.

These children are a conduit to a wonderful world of observation that’s not muddied by a major overlay of prejudgment. Or tainted by that enemy of the adult, taking the familiar for granted. That ability to observe newly, I think, is the foundation of creativity.

How about you? Can you step back and allow yourself to become child-like? (Not talking childish here…huge difference!) If so, what stirs in you? And how does it relate to living your own Life Purpose?

If we’ve already worked together, you know what your Life Purpose is. If we haven’t, you can get some ideas using my free workbook, Exploring Common Threads. You can sign up to the right of this post, and have it sent to your very own computer. It’s a great place to start this creative exploration!

Be Who You Are

 

Dr. Seuss Quote

Isn’t this a fabulous quote?

It was a writing prompt in Kathy Kane’s inaugural Purple Ink Cafe Writers’ Circle, and so appropriate for those of us navigating the School of Love!

How can I get more comfortable with being who I am, and saying what I feel?

As I’ve gotten older, this task is a little less daunting than it once was. It’s been a long time coming, but it has finally dawned on me that I’m really not the focus of everyone’s attention. (Older women, by the way, can become virtually invisible—especially once you cross that great divide between ‘miss’ and ‘ma’m’!)

When we are teenagers, we have this self-consciousness that stems from the conviction that everyone is looking at us and judging us. The reality? Everyone else is so busy worrying about what others are thinking of them that they have very little time or energy to notice us.

This can be pretty obvious, too, in general conversations. How often do we really listen to what the other person is saying, right in the present moment, and absorb it? Frequently, we are forming our responses in our heads while the other person is still speaking. We miss the import of what they are saying, because we want to make our point or share our experience.

I get this mental image of two heads facing each other, with a mirror separating them. Each person’s words are bouncing back to the speaker, never penetrating the partition.

If we don’t believe we’re being heard, it’s hard to share our feelings. Feelings, after all, are messy things. Just going inside ourselves and sitting with them can make us feel pretty uncomfortable. Then to have to bring them to the surface and reveal them? Possibly to someone who may deflect them or disagree with them? Not easy.

But this is the curriculum in the School of Love—learning to identify and share our feelings, appropriately and at a proper volume.

Sometimes, we get a bit obsessed about the negative feelings that dwell beneath the surface, and forget that there are a lot of positive things down there as well. School of Love folks have the lifelong challenge of digging down, understanding what’s going on with our emotions, and then expressing them authentically and appropriately.

And when it gets scary, channel Dr. Seuss!

Shine Your Heart

Shine Your Heart

Often in my yoga class, when we are either in a cross-legged sitting position or standing straight and tall in Mountain Pose, our teacher tells us, “Shine your heart.” It’s an instruction to pull our shoulder blades back and down, and present our hearts to the world.mountain-pose-815291_1280

It made me think of what this means. When I’m shining my heart, I’m exposed. Standing tall, letting others literally see the place in my body where my heart resides, is a posture of willingness to let others in. It’s a confident stance, but it’s also a vulnerable one.

It’s a contrast to what I often see when I’m out in the world. People walk around the mall or the grocery store hunched over the smartphones clutched a foot from their chests, staring at the ground focusing on the sounds coming through their earbuds, or hugging a grocery cart.

All of these stances are protective. They exclude others; it’s virtually impossible even to make eye contact when the shoulders are stooped and the gaze is lowered. And it makes me sad.

It may just be a posture thing, but it makes me wonder if it’s a vulnerability thing. “Let me draw in and hide myself, so I don’t have to interact with someone who may reject or disapprove of me, or make me feel uncomfortable.”

How about an experiment? Stand up, draw your shoulders towards your stomach, and bow your head. How do you feel?

Now, raise your head and draw your shoulders back, reaching your shoulder blades down towards your hips. How do you feel?

What does it mean for you to ‘shine your heart’?

 

 

Independence Day

Independence Day

This week, we in the US celebrated Independence Day.Fireworks

Barbecues and fireworks are what we typically associate with the Fourth of July. This year, spanning the entire weekend, random neighbors were setting off personal fireworks. I didn’t get much sleep; our poor dog was traumatized, and trying to be a good ‘mom,’ I attempted to soothe her. Curled on the couch with this panting, quivering pet gave me a chance to think a bit about the whole concept of independence—of freedom.

Back in 1776, those upstart colonists, chafing under British colonial rule, declared their independence from King George, and spent the next seven years fighting the American revolutionary war.

Fast forward 240 years. We are no longer subjects of the British crown. Instead, we are subjects of governmental and financial systems, often run amok. The political canvas in this election year is painted in the most ludicrous, garish colors I’ve ever encountered. But this isn’t a political rant—nope, not going there!

What it does make me consider, though, is what Stephen Covey described in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People as our Circle of Concern and our Circle of Influence. Our Circle of Concern consists of those events and circumstances over which we have no control. The hateful, violent tragedies that seem to have become almost commonplace occurrences are in my Circle of Concern. They grieve me deeply, and I can’t control them.

What l can control, however, is what lies in my Circle of Influence. This, for me, is where freedom actively impacts my daily life. The choices I make, the words I speak (both to others and to myself), and the kindness I show—all of these are in my Circle of Influence. I can make a difference, right here, right now, to each person who interacts with me.

We all have this freedom of choice.

And this freedom can lead to living our Life Purpose, collecting those experiences that will fulfill us, and make life better for those in our Circle of Influence. Or it can lead to squandering these priceless, irreplaceable days of our life on earth.

To quote Mary Oliver:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

 

The School of Service

The School of Service

Do you know someone who absolutely delights in doing things for others? This is the person who plans the family parties, who babysits with a smile, who is the first in line to donate blood or chauffeur the soccer team to their next tournament game. They honestly want to help others achieve their goals and dreams, often providing free advice and resources to help make it happen. When they are asked to do something, their automatic response is ‘yes.’

I have several relatives like this, and they are wonderful people. That said, I worry sometimes about whether they are getting totally stressed out by taking such good care of everyone else. Are their own needs getting sidestepped in favor of everyone else’s?

On the flip side of the coin, do you know someone who demands that everyone else cater to them? There are folks who exude an air of entitlement, who take and take without appreciating (or even seeming to realize) the efforts others are making on their behalf. The dinner menu, the television remote, and division of the household chores are all under this person’s control.

WHORLThese two kinds of behaviors embody the extremes of the School of Service. If you have four whorls in your ten fingerprints, this is your school.

The goal of students in the School of Service is to be conscious of the ways in which they want to serve. It is an ability and a willingness to discern and choose genuine, joyful service, without falling into servitude (which breeds resentment and burnout).

In navigating this school, people can fall into the two extremes described above, and suffer their negative effects. In the first instance, if you are constantly giving to everyone else, you may exhaust yourself, begin to feel resentful, and go from joyful, willing service to obligatory, victimizing service. You may also be making unconscious bargains with those you serve—“I’ll do this for you, but you need to come through for me in return.” (This isn’t service, by the way. It’s commerce.)

Any of these scenarios can result in a pendulum swing to the ‘other side’—swearing off being of service because you are tired of others taking advantage of you. You adopt the entitlement posture.

How about you? Do you fall into either of these camps? Whether or not you are in the School of Service, it’s helpful to notice your own service-related behaviors and attitudes!

 

 

 

The School of Love

The School of Love

Over the past several weeks, we’ve been focusing on the Life School aspect of your Soul Psychology. We’ve looked at the School of Peace and the School of Wisdom. This week, the School of Love is on the docket.

LOOPThe fingerprint pattern associated with the School of Love is the loop. If you have at least eight loops in your set of ten fingerprints, this is your school.

If you’re in the School of Love, you’re here to learn to become fully present to all of your feelings, regardless of what those feelings are, so you can work with them. When you can accept yourself and your feelings, and develop the ability to communicate them authentically and appropriately, you find the closeness, love and connection that you deeply desire.

What are some of the challenges in the School of Love?

You may have a hard time recognizing and identifying your true feelings. You may judge your feelings as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ and/or judge others’ feelings using the same good/bad yardstick. Feelings actually aren’t ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ they just are. If you judge them, you are likely to try to bury them—which means burying a part of yourself. In order to work with your feelings, it’s vital to honestly experience them.

You may withhold your feelings from others, stoically (and unreasonably) waiting for them to guess what’s going on with you. (“If you really loved me, you’d know how I feel…”) Conversely, you may indiscriminately share exactly what you feel at all times in all places, without regard for how appropriate that sharing might be.

I had a classic experience with that ‘appropriate’ piece a few years back. A couple of my friends took a lot of pride in their open, honest relationship, and their ability to ‘tell it like it is.’ But they missed the fact that the communal dinner table wasn’t the place for a frank discussion of an issue that really belonged in their own private space. The airing of their feelings, at full volume, had the rest of us cringing in our seats. So there’s a need to be sensitive to what you’re saying, where you’re saying it, and to whom you’re saying it!

How about you? Are you willing to take the emotional risk of authentically and appropriately expressing your feelings? Do you tend to ‘stuff’ your feelings, or are you more inclined to ‘let it all hang out’? How has that impacted your relationships?

The School of Wisdom

The School of Wisdom

In a recent overview post on Life School, I described the four basic fingerprint patterns—arch, tented arch, loop and whorl. Each of these patterns is associated with a particular Life School.

Tented ArchThis week, we’ll look at the School of Wisdom. If you have at least two tented arches in your set of ten fingerprints, this is your school.

What is the curriculum?

If you are in the School of Wisdom, you are here to learn to move from thought and evaluation to action, so you can gain real, hands-on experience. This means being a participant in life, rather than just an observer. You need to be willing to make commitments, so you can ‘get off the fence’ and gain understanding through experience. Wisdom comes from experience, not from using your intelligence to insulate yourself from life.

If you are in the School of Wisdom, you can be challenged by two extremes.

On the one hand, you can be filled with doubt, always hesitating, procrastinating, and needing to ‘know more’ before taking action. You want to keep as many options open as you possibly can. Analysis paralysis is a hallmark of this end of the School of Wisdom spectrum.

At the other end is The Expert, the know-it-all who operates from a position of dogma—a ‘my way or the highway’ perspective. Do you have to be right? Always know best? Are you a perfectionist? Do you shudder at the prospect of making a mistake? These are some of the pitfalls of the ‘too much’ end of the School of Wisdom.

The School of Wisdom is designed to give you practice in seeing the big picture, taking calculated risks, committing, and gaining expertise through doing—then sharing your experience-gained wisdom with others.

How difficult is it for you to say ‘yes’ to something, knowing that means saying ‘no’ to other things? If making decisions is challenging for you, what steps can you take to help yourself move from observation to action?

The School of Peace

The School of Peace

For the past several weeks, we’ve been taking a look at the Life School aspect of Soul Psychology. Your Soul Psychology is found in your fingerprint patterns.

In last week’s post, I described the four basic fingerprint patterns—arch, tented arch, loop and whorl. Each of these patterns is associated with a particular Life School.

ARCHThe arch is associated with the School of Peace. If you have at least two arches in your set of ten fingerprints, you are in the School of Peace.

What is the School of Peace curriculum?

If you are in the School of Peace, you are here to learn to feel safe and secure, in your body and on this planet. This implies being at peace within yourself, and balancing work and play. It means dealing with a basic, internal anxiety that is intrinsic in this School, so you can be present, experience your life, and enjoy it.

If you are struggling to feel safe and peaceful within yourself, how do you work with that challenge? If you are in the School of Peace, you may tend to operate from one of two extremes.

At one end of the spectrum, you may keep yourself so busy, overcommitted and occupied with activities that you don’t have time to think or feel much of anything. You may create an endless chain of ‘emergencies’ by making mountains out of molehills, which provides plenty of distraction from what’s really going on inside.

At the other end of the spectrum, you may try to anesthetize the anxiety through various forms of numbing self-medication (tv, food, alcohol, drugs, web-surfing). You may adopt a false attitude of ‘Mr./Ms. Mellow’ (an artificial overlay of serenity, rather than the real thing), or make molehills out of mountains in order to avoid dealing with the fear involved in dealing with significant life events.

The School of Peace is designed to give you experience in navigating these extremes, so you can find your own place of balance.

What steps can you take to stay grounded, and feel the peace that comes from being genuinely present for your own miraculous life?

Fingerprint Type and Life School

Fingerprint Type and Life School

If you look at the tips of your fingers, you’ll see some patterns there. If you can look at the tips of your fingers with a magnifying glass under a good light source, you’ll see those patterns more clearly.

The patterns in your fingerprints come in four basic shapes or configurations. Here’s a picture of the four basic fingerprint types:

Print Samples Labeled


Arch
: An arch is made up of ridges that run almost parallel to each other across the tips of your fingers. There may be a rise or bump in the middle, but there is no looping or poking or twirling around.

Tented Arch: A tented arch looks like an arch that has a tent pole sticking up in the middle (hence the term ‘tented arch’!). The parallel ridges of the arch have to travel up that pole, over the top of it, and down the other side.

Loop: A loop looks like a group of parallel ridges that enter from one side of the finger, rise up to some degree, then double back and flow out on the same side of the finger from which they entered.

Whorl: A whorl looks like a bullseye—a nice roundish target in the middle of your finger.

Each of these fingerprint types is associated with one of the Life Schools:

  • Arch: School of Peace – Feeling safe and balanced in your body
  • Tented Arch: School of Wisdom – Developing your awareness and intellect
  • Loop: School of Love – Recognizing the messages of your heart
  • Whorl: School of Service – Being of service to others

You can have any combination of fingerprint types on your ten fingers, from ten of a single type to a mixture of all four. Also, more than one type can even combine on a single finger. How many of each type you have determines your Life School(s). (More on that next time.)

So take a look—what patterns do you have on your fingertips?

What Is Life School, Anyway?

What Is Life School, Anyway?

In the world of hand analysis, your Soul Psychology refers to the three aspects of your unique spiritual self—Life School, Life Lesson, and Life Purpose—that are revealed in your fingerprints. Because your Soul Psychology is based on your fingerprints, it doesn’t change over the course of your lifetime. As any good crime-show fan knows, fingerprints are used for identification because they are exclusive to each individual.

Your Soul Psychology is permanently hardwired into your psyche. It defines what, over the course of your life, will prove valuable and fulfilling for you. Knowing your own Soul Psychology can make a huge difference in your ability to navigate your world in a way that makes your life meaningful.

The Life School piece of your Soul Psychology is the foundation for your ‘world view.’ It’s the water in which you are swimming, the frame around your jigsaw puzzle—or maybe the table on which that puzzle is laid.

There are four Life Schools, representing four aspects of human development:

  • Feeling safe and balanced in your body
  • Developing your awareness and intellect
  • Recognizing the messages of your heart—feelings, intuition, empathy
  • Being of service to others
Harvard Business School

Harvard Business School

While we are all engaged in every Life School to some degree, one or two will require extra care and attention. Think of it as a course of study in the American university system. When we go to college, we have to complete general education requirements (dabbling in all of the Life Schools). But we also have to complete courses in our major area of study. Each student has at least one major (and sometimes more than one). Your Life School is your major.

And your fingerprints identify what that major (or majors) is for you.

More on how that works next post!